Sunday, March 30, 2008

How NOT to Use a Word: Moisture

I hate the word "moisture." The very sound of it makes my stomach turn.


I have not always been against the word, though. But living in drought-prone Utah for three years pushed me to my limit. On every Sunday, in every prayer, there was a request (or, on rare occasions, a thanks given) for "moisture." What these dear folks meant, of course, was "rain" or "snow." But they didn't say "rain" or "snow." They said "moisture."


Why do people have to say "moisture" instead of "rain"? "Rain" gets the point across so much better than that lousy "m" word.


Moisture is what you get with a damp rag or what comes out of a spray bottle. It suggests a very small amount of water. Mist is moisture. Dew in small quantities can be classified as moisture. A rain shower--no matter how much rain actually falls--is not moisture. It is moisture on steroids.


No one in a drought-ridden area need ask for "moisture"--it wouldn't be enough H20 for put a dent in the drought. "Rain" or "snow" are more appropriate words.


Weather forecasters, like Mormons, are equally guilty of using this word inappropriately (Which means the KSL Eubankses are doubly guilty). How often do we hear that "moisture" is in the forecast--or (worse) "significant moisture"? You would think that weather-folk would know better than to call rain something other than "rain." Not the case, though.


The day I hear the phrase "frozen moisture" will be a sad day indeed.


The word "moisture" is fine if you use it correctly--and not around me--but I recommend avoiding it altogether. Sooner or later you will realize how ridiculous it sounds.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

How the West Was White: A Review


I have recently been in the mood for old Western movies. Yesterday, while looking through the DVD collection at the public library, I found 1962's How the West Was Won and decided to check it out. I had watched the movie about ten years ago, but all I remembered from it were the two highly conspicuous Cinerama lines (if you've seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about) and the almost unidentifiable John Wayne's ten-minute performance as General William Tecumseh Sherman (which is comparable to his almost laughable three-minute performance as the Centurion in another 1960s epic, The Greatest Story Ever Told).

While much about How the West Was Won is praiseworthy--the cinematography, for example, or the climatic "shoot-out-on-a-moving-train" sequence, or the killer orchestral theme--the film could never be made today, 46 years after its initial release.

"Why?" you ask.

The answer may or may not be obvious, but I have my reasons for making such a claim--none of which I hope you dismissively construe as petty political correctness.
As the title suggests, the film is about the outcome of a conflict. The West was a battleground to be won--and the film makes it all too clear that the white man won it. Had Native Americans made this film, however, it would have been called How the West Was Lost. But Native Americans don't really play much of a part in this film, aside from the occasional attack on a wagon train. In many ways, in fact, they are displaced by (or incorporated into) the more politically safe notion that the white settlers of the West were in conflict with a savage land, not a savage people. In doing so, the filmmakers are able to tell their story of White American supremacy without stepping on too many minority toes. Such a story, of course, is hard to tell these days, which is why How the West is Won is such a fascinating film. It is a snapshot of White American hubris before the Vietnam War and the Civil Rights movement significantly undermined it.

Yes, that's right: How the West Was Won is a celebration of White American hubris. It unabashedly perpetuates the myth that America is great because it is essentially white. In doing so, it disregards the significant contributions (and indignities) of American "Others."

The film's theme song, recorded with heroic fervor by the Ken Darby Singers, does a fine job of setting this myth to music. I reprint it here in full:

They came with Bible fist and gun
And they fought until the job was done
The winning of the West
Promised land the land of plenty rich in gold
Here came dreamers with Bible fist and gun
Bound for land across the plains their wagons rolled
Hell bent for leather that's how the West was won
Stride by stride they tamed the savage prairie land
Nothing stopped them no wind nor rain nor sun
Side by side these pioneers from every land
All pulled together that's how the West was won

And they sang of the day when they would rest their boots
In a land where the still waters flow
Where the dreams of a man and wife could put down roots
And their love and the seeds of love would grow (And grow and grow)

Dream by dream they built a nation from this land
Forged in freedom for every mother's son
Here it is the beautiful the promised land
We won't forget them and how the West was won
It goes without saying, perhaps, that any story of the American West that comes at it from a "Bible fist and gun" angle is going to have problems. The song's (and film's) claim, for example, that the (presumably) white settlers "built a nation from this land/Forged in freedom for every mother's son" is one of its chief ironies. Freedom, of course, is what the West symbolizes in the film, yet it has very little to say about the freedom for the mother's sons who aren't white. The Chinese barely make an appearance in the film, for example, and occasionally you see (or hear) a European immigrant or two, but none of these characters occupies a prominent role in forging any freedom. What is more, African Americans are entirely absent from this film, despite the considerable role they played as cowboys and railroad workers. For these groups, the West really did represent (and occasionally was) a Promised Land of freedom, but you don't learn that from How the West Was Won. In the film, the West is White.

White and Protestant, that is. After all, where are the Mormons in this film? Last time I checked, the Mormons played a significant role in Western colonization. Like much that comes out of Hollywood, however, How the West Was Won is Cali-centric. It establishes California as the embodiment of White Western Success, while completely by-passing the Utah Territory's role in making the west more accessible for white settlement. The filmmakers' reasons for this omission, no doubt, is that the inhabitants of the lovely Deseret did not mesh well with their thesis. How could the bizarre nineteenth-century Mormons embody the rugged White American Spirit, when they seemed to occupy a place on the fringe of American society and mores?

Well, they couldn't. That's why Mormons were tossed aside, along with the Chinese, European immigrants, and African Americans.

The film, of course, is not entirely conscienceless. Zeb Rawlings and Jethro Stuart, two of the film's main character, show rare sympathies for the Native Americans they are helping to displace. Rawlings, for example, argues frequently with Mike King, an unfeeling railroad builder, about King's persistent violations of Native American treaties. Indeed, the film's segment on the railroad is its best attempt to show the consequences of "winning" the West. In a visually powerful scene, for instance, the Native Americans force a buffalo stampede directly through the railroader's camp, causing the deaths of several women and children. After the stampede, Rawlings accuses King of provoking the attack by breaking his promises to the local Arapaho. King, a white man, is the undisputed bad guy in the scene,while the Native Americans come off as simply reactionary victims. Ultimately, however, Rawlings and Stuart are all too complicit with white America's irresponsible expansionism to really provide the film a meaningful conscience. And worse, the film seem to suggest that the likes of King are a necessary evil in the fulfillment of Manifest Destiny.

So, is How the West Was Won worth your time? It is, as long as you don't buy into its racist message. At its best, the film shows us how the white American majority chose to represent its history at the pinnacle of its power. In a sense, then, the film is a cinematic relic of white America's high water mark. Within a decade of its release, the Civil Rights movement and Vietnam War would change the way America viewed itself. Films like How the West Was Won are casualties of such change, and revisionary tales like Dances With Wolves are beneficiaries.

Interestingly, though, TNT produced a remake of sorts of How the West Was Won in the guise of the miniseries Into the West. In many ways, the miniseries corrected the mistake of the earlier film. Native American, for example, occupy a much more central place in this retelling of the history of the American West. Nevertheless, Into the West ultimately tells a white man's story. The mythology of white American, it seems, is still winning in the West.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Blank and Hank

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you can read my latest comic strip about two of Connor's favorite imaginary friends: blank (her yellow blanket) and hank (her hankie).

I plan on drawing one every week or so.

Enjoy.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Doctrinal Proof That I'm Not Crazy

This sheds light on my supernatural experience in Gettysburg:

"Many spirits of the departed, who are unhappy, linger in lonely wretchedness about the earth, and in the air, and especially about their ancient homesteads, and the places rendered dear to them by the memory of former scenes."
--Parley P. Pratt, Key to the Science of Theology, Chapter 12, p. 117.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

MAN TEST 2008

The Man Test is an old Hales tradition that goes back centuries (well, maybe a decade and a half). After the first major snow fall of the year, my brothers and I strip down to our shorts and race around the house. That's right folks...even without shoes. Whoever completes the race is allowed to keep his man card. Whoever fails has to forfeit his card immediately.

Unfortunately, my brothers do not live close by. So, for the past two years my brother-in-law Ethan and I have been keeping the tradition alive. Here is the video I shot of this year's Man Test:



You can see Ethan's footage at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LmAyhcXIMk.


Thursday, March 6, 2008

Proof that Bruce Springsteen is the Greatest Living American Storyteller

"The Hitter" by Bruce Springsteen

Come to the door, Ma, and unlock the chain
I was just passin' through and got caught in the rain
There's nothin' I want, nothin' that you need say
Just let me lie down for a while and I'll be on my way

I was no more than a kid when you put me on the Southern Queen
With the police on my back I fled to New Orleans
I fought in the dockyards and with the money I made
I knew the fight was my home and blood was my trade

Baton Rouge, Ponchatoula, and Lafayette town
Well they paid me their money, Ma, I knocked the men down
I did what I did well it come easily
Restraint and mercy, Ma, were always strangers to me

I fought champion Jack Thompson in a field full of mud
Rain poured through the tent to the canvas and mixed with our blood
In the twelfth I slipped my tongue over my broken jaw
I stood over him and pounded his bloody body into the floor
Well the bell rang and rang and still I kept on
'Till I felt my glove leather slip 'tween his skin and bone

Then the women and the money came fast and the days I lost track
The women red, the money green, but the numbers were black
I fought for the men in their silk suits to lay down their bets
I took my good share, Ma, I have no regrets

Then I took the fix at the state armory with big John McDowell
From high in the rafters I watched myself fall
As they raised his arm my stomach twisted and the sky it went black
I stuffed my bag with their good money and I never looked back

Understand, in the end, Ma, every man plays the game
If you know me one different then speak out his name
Ma, if my voice now you don't recognize
Then just open the door and look into your dark eyes
I ask of you nothin', not a kiss not a smile,
Just open the door and let me lie down for a while

Now the gray rain's fallin' and my ring fightin's done
So in the work fields and alleys I take all who'll come
If you're a better man than me then just step to the line
Show me your money and speak out your crime
Now there's nothin' I want, Ma, nothin' that you need say
Just let me lie down for a while and I'll be on my way

Tonight in the shipyard a man draws a circle in the dirt
I move to the center and I take off my shirt
I study him for the cuts, the scars, the pain,
Man, nor time can erase
I move hard to the left and I strike to the face

Monday, March 3, 2008

Blogspeak

My students often argue in their papers that the dictionary never changes. This is one of the most ridiculous fallacies out there since the dictionary changes daily. It is always a pleasure to set their minds straight on this issue.

Today I plan on introducing a few new words and phrases to the English language. Feel free to use them in your daily lives. They all have to do with the action known as "blogging." As most of you know, I hate the word blog. I think it sounds stupid. I avoid using it. If I could vote any word off of the island, "blog" would be one of the first words I would consider.

Here's the list:

blerk: (noun) a pejorative. Any blogger who uses the comment feature to compensate for his or her bad high school experience. A jerk commenter.
bligot: (noun) a bigoted blogger.
blimp: (noun) (blog + wimp) a blog wuss.
blint: (verb) (to blog + to sprint) to write a blog rapidly.
blife: (noun) a blogging wife.
blogbarrassment: (noun) a blog post that makes you feel embarrassed for the blogger.
blogarrhea: (noun) any blog post that reveals more about the blogger's personal life than you think it ought to.
blog flop: (noun) a blog post that receives zero comments.
bloggo: (noun) a typo on a blog.
bloggomaniac: (noun) a chronic misspeller.
blogyver: (noun) someone who can make a blog out of anything.
bloke: (noun) (blog + joke) a humorous post.
bloker: (noun) a humorous blogger.
bluckle: (noun) (blog + chuckle) the mirthful sound often emitted through the nose or mouth while reading a humorous blog.
brecord: (noun) (web + record) an alternative word for blog.
brecord breaker: (noun) whoever manages to bring "brecord" into the mainstream.
brogger: (noun) (brag + blogger) an arrogant blogger.
lame: (adjective) a mean-spirited comment. Also, this post.
man-blog: (noun) a blog written by a man secure enough with his masculinity to write a blog.
golb: (noun) a blog that doesn't make sense.
golber: (noun) a blogger who writes incoherent posts.
she-wolflog: (noun) a blog written by a she-wolf.
shows how much you know: (phrase) the universal no-fail come-back generally used against blerks, bligots, and broggers.
smart blaleck: (noun) any chronic poster who is not as funny as he or she thinks.
teen-wolflog: (noun) a blog written by Teen Wolf.
your face: (phrase) another universal come-back. Use cautiously, especially with ugly people and the permanently scarred.
zog: (verb) to blog while asleep.
zogger: (noun) one who blogs in his or her sleep.

Enjoy. Don't use them all in the same place.