Sunday, May 25, 2008

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: A Review

One of my earliest movie memories is watching Raiders of the Lost Ark with my brother. Our favorite part of the movie came at the very end, when the bad guys opened the Ark and had their faces melted off (or, in the case of Belloq, blown off) by the power of God. I remember distinctly watching the exploding head over and over in slow motion (ah! the magic of the VCR) because my brother claimed you could see an eyeball fly off camera if you looked hard enough. Great movie. Yea, perhaps even one of the greatest ever made.




I also remember watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom as a kid. My favorite part was the frozen monkey brains. Of course, Temple of Doom is no Raiders. Critics and fans alike have given it a lot of grief for not being Raiders. This is unfortunate. Temple of Doom deserves to be recognized as a great addition to the Indiana Jones saga. It also contains the best opening of Indiana Jones movie. Indy's fight at the Club Obi Wan is iconic.




Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was my favorite movie for a long time. I can still repeat most of it from heart ("I don't like fast women!" "And I hate arrogant men!"). For most of my fourth grade year, I carried around a home-made Grail Diary in my pocket. While it has occasionally been criticized (not unjustly) for trying to be Raiders of the Lost Ark, Last Crusade brings a lot emotionally to the Indiana Jones table. We learn more about Indy's past, for example, and his troubled relationship with his father. We also learn that Indy's real name is Henry.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Generic Come-backs...That Really Work!

Once upon a time, I never knew what to say to someone who had royally insulted me. Some stupid bully would shove me in the library and say, "Hey, kid, where'd'you get those shoes? The free-store?" and I would just stare dumbly at the floor as everyone laughed at me for taking it like a sucker.

Many of you probably still have this problem.

Fortunately, I found a way out of this embarrassing situation: Generic Come-backs! That's right, folks! These zinger's can really put the Biffs, Mutts, and Lunkheads of the world in their proper place. Try them out. They're like the "sure-fire passion-stoppers" you learned about in Church Standards Nights...but different.

Here they are:
1. Show's how much you know. (This is my personal favorite...works every time)
2. That has to be the most ordinary thing I've heard all day.
3. Say's you.
4. That's funny! My little brother watches that cartoon, too!
5. Did your grandma teach you that one, chump?
6. I'd say I'm rubber and you're glue...but I want to speak on your level.
7. Poor soul. Too bad you're mother never loved you.
8. If you wanted to insult me, why didn't you make fun of my nose?
9. That would have made sense if you'd used real words!
10. That would have hurt if you didn't have so many zits.
11. So...
12. Where've I heard that before?
13. Ha! That's what the garbage man used to tell my dad!
14. Excuse me, would you like a breath mint?
15. I never told you I know karate, did I?
16. You're lucky my fist still hurts from the last kid I beat up!
17. Dork.
18. Why don't you pop that zit between your shoulders and make everyone's day.
19. Have you ever considered professional help.
20. Says your face!
21. Says your grandma!
22. Says your baby sister!
23. Says your girlfriend! (or boyfriend, if the case may be)
24. Good thing you're still in school.
25. Why don't you do the world a favor and give yourself a wedgie?
26. That toilet water must be getting to you.
27. What? Are you asking for a swirly?
28. That would have been funny if someone else had said it.
29. Saucy! Saucy! Saucy!
30. Excuse me for living!
31. That was so stupid. Try again.
32. Do you want a gold star for that one, champ?
33. That was so lame! I mean L-A-M-E with a capital exclamation point!
34. Hmm. Interesting theory.
35. How quaint.
36. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
37. Thanks for that self-esteem boost. Would you like to help me write my suicide note?
38. Thanks, Dr. Phil. I needed that.
39. Thanks, dummy. I'll be sure to pass that one along.
40. I hope that was worth the effort.
41. Would you like a tip?
42. Nope. Not good enough. Try it with a little more expression next time.
43. I can't believe you thought that would work. Crap like that never works!
44. Sorry. I'll try my best to please you next time, master.
45. Next time, just use your fist.
46. That's so lame it needs crutches.
47. My toenail's sharper that that put-down!
48. Thanks for the editorial comment. You've got real talent.
49. Remarkable. Really. Fascinating observation, Holmes.
50. Ha! Ha! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! (heh heh) HAAAAAA!

I hope these have helped. Remember, no one can make you feel inferior unless you let them.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sure Fire Way to Tell If a Novel is Worth Reading...

One of the best ways to tell whether or not a book is worth reading is to check the size of the author's name on the front cover. If the author's name is bigger than the title, the novel is not worth reading. Occasionally, I discover exceptions...but they are almost as rare as a good Disney Channel recording artist.

Here's an example. This is a current best-seller. I have never read it, but since the author's name is significantly larger than the title it has to be lame.


I apologize to any Harlan Coben fans out there. I recommend writing Mr. Coben's publishers about decreasing the size of his name on the covers of his novels. Doing so, I imagine, would likely increase the literary value of his writing.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

How NOT to Use a Word: Moisture

I hate the word "moisture." The very sound of it makes my stomach turn.


I have not always been against the word, though. But living in drought-prone Utah for three years pushed me to my limit. On every Sunday, in every prayer, there was a request (or, on rare occasions, a thanks given) for "moisture." What these dear folks meant, of course, was "rain" or "snow." But they didn't say "rain" or "snow." They said "moisture."


Why do people have to say "moisture" instead of "rain"? "Rain" gets the point across so much better than that lousy "m" word.


Moisture is what you get with a damp rag or what comes out of a spray bottle. It suggests a very small amount of water. Mist is moisture. Dew in small quantities can be classified as moisture. A rain shower--no matter how much rain actually falls--is not moisture. It is moisture on steroids.


No one in a drought-ridden area need ask for "moisture"--it wouldn't be enough H20 for put a dent in the drought. "Rain" or "snow" are more appropriate words.


Weather forecasters, like Mormons, are equally guilty of using this word inappropriately (Which means the KSL Eubankses are doubly guilty). How often do we hear that "moisture" is in the forecast--or (worse) "significant moisture"? You would think that weather-folk would know better than to call rain something other than "rain." Not the case, though.


The day I hear the phrase "frozen moisture" will be a sad day indeed.


The word "moisture" is fine if you use it correctly--and not around me--but I recommend avoiding it altogether. Sooner or later you will realize how ridiculous it sounds.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

How the West Was White: A Review


I have recently been in the mood for old Western movies. Yesterday, while looking through the DVD collection at the public library, I found 1962's How the West Was Won and decided to check it out. I had watched the movie about ten years ago, but all I remembered from it were the two highly conspicuous Cinerama lines (if you've seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about) and the almost unidentifiable John Wayne's ten-minute performance as General William Tecumseh Sherman (which is comparable to his almost laughable three-minute performance as the Centurion in another 1960s epic, The Greatest Story Ever Told).

While much about How the West Was Won is praiseworthy--the cinematography, for example, or the climatic "shoot-out-on-a-moving-train" sequence, or the killer orchestral theme--the film could never be made today, 46 years after its initial release.

"Why?" you ask.

The answer may or may not be obvious, but I have my reasons for making such a claim--none of which I hope you dismissively construe as petty political correctness.
As the title suggests, the film is about the outcome of a conflict. The West was a battleground to be won--and the film makes it all too clear that the white man won it. Had Native Americans made this film, however, it would have been called How the West Was Lost. But Native Americans don't really play much of a part in this film, aside from the occasional attack on a wagon train. In many ways, in fact, they are displaced by (or incorporated into) the more politically safe notion that the white settlers of the West were in conflict with a savage land, not a savage people. In doing so, the filmmakers are able to tell their story of White American supremacy without stepping on too many minority toes. Such a story, of course, is hard to tell these days, which is why How the West is Won is such a fascinating film. It is a snapshot of White American hubris before the Vietnam War and the Civil Rights movement significantly undermined it.

Yes, that's right: How the West Was Won is a celebration of White American hubris. It unabashedly perpetuates the myth that America is great because it is essentially white. In doing so, it disregards the significant contributions (and indignities) of American "Others."

The film's theme song, recorded with heroic fervor by the Ken Darby Singers, does a fine job of setting this myth to music. I reprint it here in full:

They came with Bible fist and gun
And they fought until the job was done
The winning of the West
Promised land the land of plenty rich in gold
Here came dreamers with Bible fist and gun
Bound for land across the plains their wagons rolled
Hell bent for leather that's how the West was won
Stride by stride they tamed the savage prairie land
Nothing stopped them no wind nor rain nor sun
Side by side these pioneers from every land
All pulled together that's how the West was won

And they sang of the day when they would rest their boots
In a land where the still waters flow
Where the dreams of a man and wife could put down roots
And their love and the seeds of love would grow (And grow and grow)

Dream by dream they built a nation from this land
Forged in freedom for every mother's son
Here it is the beautiful the promised land
We won't forget them and how the West was won
It goes without saying, perhaps, that any story of the American West that comes at it from a "Bible fist and gun" angle is going to have problems. The song's (and film's) claim, for example, that the (presumably) white settlers "built a nation from this land/Forged in freedom for every mother's son" is one of its chief ironies. Freedom, of course, is what the West symbolizes in the film, yet it has very little to say about the freedom for the mother's sons who aren't white. The Chinese barely make an appearance in the film, for example, and occasionally you see (or hear) a European immigrant or two, but none of these characters occupies a prominent role in forging any freedom. What is more, African Americans are entirely absent from this film, despite the considerable role they played as cowboys and railroad workers. For these groups, the West really did represent (and occasionally was) a Promised Land of freedom, but you don't learn that from How the West Was Won. In the film, the West is White.

White and Protestant, that is. After all, where are the Mormons in this film? Last time I checked, the Mormons played a significant role in Western colonization. Like much that comes out of Hollywood, however, How the West Was Won is Cali-centric. It establishes California as the embodiment of White Western Success, while completely by-passing the Utah Territory's role in making the west more accessible for white settlement. The filmmakers' reasons for this omission, no doubt, is that the inhabitants of the lovely Deseret did not mesh well with their thesis. How could the bizarre nineteenth-century Mormons embody the rugged White American Spirit, when they seemed to occupy a place on the fringe of American society and mores?

Well, they couldn't. That's why Mormons were tossed aside, along with the Chinese, European immigrants, and African Americans.

The film, of course, is not entirely conscienceless. Zeb Rawlings and Jethro Stuart, two of the film's main character, show rare sympathies for the Native Americans they are helping to displace. Rawlings, for example, argues frequently with Mike King, an unfeeling railroad builder, about King's persistent violations of Native American treaties. Indeed, the film's segment on the railroad is its best attempt to show the consequences of "winning" the West. In a visually powerful scene, for instance, the Native Americans force a buffalo stampede directly through the railroader's camp, causing the deaths of several women and children. After the stampede, Rawlings accuses King of provoking the attack by breaking his promises to the local Arapaho. King, a white man, is the undisputed bad guy in the scene,while the Native Americans come off as simply reactionary victims. Ultimately, however, Rawlings and Stuart are all too complicit with white America's irresponsible expansionism to really provide the film a meaningful conscience. And worse, the film seem to suggest that the likes of King are a necessary evil in the fulfillment of Manifest Destiny.

So, is How the West Was Won worth your time? It is, as long as you don't buy into its racist message. At its best, the film shows us how the white American majority chose to represent its history at the pinnacle of its power. In a sense, then, the film is a cinematic relic of white America's high water mark. Within a decade of its release, the Civil Rights movement and Vietnam War would change the way America viewed itself. Films like How the West Was Won are casualties of such change, and revisionary tales like Dances With Wolves are beneficiaries.

Interestingly, though, TNT produced a remake of sorts of How the West Was Won in the guise of the miniseries Into the West. In many ways, the miniseries corrected the mistake of the earlier film. Native American, for example, occupy a much more central place in this retelling of the history of the American West. Nevertheless, Into the West ultimately tells a white man's story. The mythology of white American, it seems, is still winning in the West.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Blank and Hank

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you can read my latest comic strip about two of Connor's favorite imaginary friends: blank (her yellow blanket) and hank (her hankie).

I plan on drawing one every week or so.

Enjoy.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Doctrinal Proof That I'm Not Crazy

This sheds light on my supernatural experience in Gettysburg:

"Many spirits of the departed, who are unhappy, linger in lonely wretchedness about the earth, and in the air, and especially about their ancient homesteads, and the places rendered dear to them by the memory of former scenes."
--Parley P. Pratt, Key to the Science of Theology, Chapter 12, p. 117.