Doctrinal Proof That I'm Not Crazy

This sheds light on my supernatural experience in Gettysburg:

"Many spirits of the departed, who are unhappy, linger in lonely wretchedness about the earth, and in the air, and especially about their ancient homesteads, and the places rendered dear to them by the memory of former scenes."

--Parley P. Pratt, Key to the Science of Theology, Chapter 12, p. 117.

MAN TEST 2008

The Man Test is an old Hales tradition that goes back centuries (well, maybe a decade and a half). After the first major snow fall of the year, my brothers and I strip down to our shorts and race around the house. That's right folks...even without shoes. Whoever completes the race is allowed to keep his man card. Whoever fails has to forfeit his card immediately.

Unfortunately, my brothers do not live close by. So, for the past two years my brother-in-law Ethan and I have been keeping the tradition alive. Here is the video I shot of this year's Man Test:

You can see Ethan's footage at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LmAyhcXIMk.

Proof that Bruce Springsteen is the Greatest Living American Storyteller

"The Hitter" by Bruce Springsteen

Come to the door, Ma, and unlock the chain
I was just passin' through and got caught in the rain
There's nothin' I want, nothin' that you need say
Just let me lie down for a while and I'll be on my way

I was no more than a kid when you put me on the Southern Queen
With the police on my back I fled to New Orleans
I fought in the dockyards and with the money I made
I knew the fight was my home and blood was my trade

Baton Rouge, Ponchatoula, and Lafayette town
Well they paid me their money, Ma, I knocked the men down
I did what I did well it come easily
Restraint and mercy, Ma, were always strangers to me

I fought champion Jack Thompson in a field full of mud
Rain poured through the tent to the canvas and mixed with our blood
In the twelfth I slipped my tongue over my broken jaw
I stood over him and pounded his bloody body into the floor
Well the bell rang and rang and still I kept on
'Till I felt my glove leather slip 'tween his skin and bone

Then the women and the money came fast and the days I lost track
The women red, the money green, but the numbers were black
I fought for the men in their silk suits to lay down their bets
I took my good share, Ma, I have no regrets

Then I took the fix at the state armory with big John McDowell
From high in the rafters I watched myself fall
As they raised his arm my stomach twisted and the sky it went black
I stuffed my bag with their good money and I never looked back

Understand, in the end, Ma, every man plays the game
If you know me one different then speak out his name
Ma, if my voice now you don't recognize
Then just open the door and look into your dark eyes
I ask of you nothin', not a kiss not a smile,
Just open the door and let me lie down for a while

Now the gray rain's fallin' and my ring fightin's done
So in the work fields and alleys I take all who'll come
If you're a better man than me then just step to the line
Show me your money and speak out your crime
Now there's nothin' I want, Ma, nothin' that you need say
Just let me lie down for a while and I'll be on my way

Tonight in the shipyard a man draws a circle in the dirt
I move to the center and I take off my shirt
I study him for the cuts, the scars, the pain,
Man, nor time can erase
I move hard to the left and I strike to the face

Blogspeak

My students often argue in their papers that the dictionary never changes. This is one of the most ridiculous fallacies out there since the dictionary changes daily. It is always a pleasure to set their minds straight on this issue.

Today I plan on introducing a few new words and phrases to the English language. Feel free to use them in your daily lives. They all have to do with the action known as "blogging." As most of you know, I hate the word blog. I think it sounds stupid. I avoid using it. If I could vote any word off of the island, "blog" would be one of the first words I would consider.

Here's the list:

blerk: (noun) a pejorative. Any blogger who uses the comment feature to compensate for his or her bad high school experience. A jerk commenter.
bligot: (noun) a bigoted blogger.
blimp: (noun) (blog + wimp) a blog wuss.
blint: (verb) (to blog + to sprint) to write a blog rapidly.
blife: (noun) a blogging wife.
blogbarrassment: (noun) a blog post that makes you feel embarrassed for the blogger.
blogarrhea: (noun) any blog post that reveals more about the blogger's personal life than you think it ought to.
blog flop: (noun) a blog post that receives zero comments.
bloggo: (noun) a typo on a blog.
bloggomaniac: (noun) a chronic misspeller.
blogyver: (noun) someone who can make a blog out of anything.
bloke: (noun) (blog + joke) a humorous post.
bloker: (noun) a humorous blogger.
bluckle: (noun) (blog + chuckle) the mirthful sound often emitted through the nose or mouth while reading a humorous blog.
brecord: (noun) (web + record) an alternative word for blog.
brecord breaker: (noun) whoever manages to bring "brecord" into the mainstream.
brogger: (noun) (brag + blogger) an arrogant blogger.
lame: (adjective) a mean-spirited comment. Also, this post.
man-blog: (noun) a blog written by a man secure enough with his masculinity to write a blog.
golb: (noun) a blog that doesn't make sense.
golber: (noun) a blogger who writes incoherent posts.
she-wolflog: (noun) a blog written by a she-wolf.
shows how much you know: (phrase) the universal no-fail come-back generally used against blerks, bligots, and broggers.
smart blaleck: (noun) any chronic poster who is not as funny as he or she thinks.
teen-wolflog: (noun) a blog written by Teen Wolf.
your face: (phrase) another universal come-back. Use cautiously, especially with ugly people and the permanently scarred.
zog: (verb) to blog while asleep.
zogger: (noun) one who blogs in his or her sleep.

Enjoy. Don't use them all in the same place.

A Poem

Here's a poem I wrote about six years ago about two friends of mine. I still think it is funny.

Romantic Interlude during a Hike and its Aftermath

The sickly boy and red-haired lass
Were resting ‘neath a tree’s dark shade
Beside a steep and winding path
That twisted upward to a glade.

“Fair lass,” said he that felt so ill,
“Methinks I’d like to kiss thee here
Beneath this tree that guards this hill—
‘twould make me smile ear to ear!”

“Oh silly boy,” the redhead cooed,
“I’d fain thy lusty heart inspire
With kisses as when thou first wooed
Me ere thy sickness stole thy fire…”

“But what?” asked he. “Oh, what can be?
Oh! Dost thou need a change of cast—
Or maybe just a break from me?
Please say, and I will take thy shaft!”

“My silly boy,” the redhead hummed,
“I’ll love thee till the day I die—
And swift that day will surely come
If osculation we now try.”

“Suits me my lusty, lovely miss,”
Declared the standing, sickly boy,
“I’ll risk thy death, for sure thy kiss
Will cure me—not thy life destroy.”

“Okay,” said she with scarlet hair,
“I’ll press my lips against thy two—
Although they seem a pallid pair.”
And so she did and got the flu.

Pork Rinds: Deep Fried Miss Piggy

On my twenty-eighth birthday, Sarah gave me a bag of pork rinds. This may seem like an odd gift...and I would have to agree with you. Who gets pork rinds for their birthday?

For that matter, who wants pork rinds for their birthday?

Well, I do. I love pork rinds. I have loved them ever since I first tried them on a Boy Scout camping trip in 1992. There are not too many scents I enjoy more than that first awful burst of fried piggishness you get when you open up a bag of the porcine delicacy.

Unfortunately, Sarah does not share in my appreciation of the pork rind. The very thought of eating one sends her into a fit of retching. So, you see, it is a big deal when she buys them for me. One could say it is her ultimate sacrifice.

I am only allowed to eat pork rinds twice a year. The first time is usually around the time of my birthday. The second time usually falls around August, during my half-birthday. This time around, however, I have found an ally in Connor. She tried her first pork rind yesterday and has since become hooked on them. Here is how Connor generally asks for one:

Connor: Daddy, can I have a pork rind?
Me: Not right now.
Connor: Please, daddy. I'll die if I don't have a pork rind.
Me: In a little bit.
Connor: Now, daddy! I need a pork rind now! If I can't have a shriveled piece of fried pig skin deliciousness I will die!
Me:Oh no! I couldn't live with myself if I let that happen!
Connor: Please, daddy.
Me: Okay. Here you go.
Connor: Thank you.

Incidentally, some of best pork rinds I ever ate were on my mission. Brazilian pork rinds are much better than American rinds, in many ways. Often they are home made and still have tufts of hair lodged in them. I tolerated the hair, usually. If I had to choose, though, I would pick the hairless variety. Something about the hair is a little disgusting...and it takes a lot to make a pork rind disgusting.

In honor of the noble rind, I am posting for a limited time my only film containing pork rinds. Their role in the film is my tribute to their greatness.

Incidentally, this film was made in Utah in August 2004, while Sarah was back in Cincinnati visiting her family. I had the apartment to myself...and a lot of time on my hands. It is part of a six episode series I wrote over the course of three years. Enjoy.

Nother: A Violence to the English Language

Over the past year I have graded several hundred freshman essays. While there is much that irritates me about freshman writing, nothing is worse than their love of the word "nother." Here is the word used in a sentence:

"The unfairness of the current minimum wage is a whole nother issue."

Chances are you have used this abomination yourself. It is fairly common in American conversation. I am sure a few of you have even used it more than once in a day. Admittedly, I have used it more than once in a day as well--but only in conversation. Nother, like the word crap, should only be used in conversation. Unlike crap, though, it should never be written--even in informal writing, like e-mails or post-it notes.

When you think about it, nother works fine in conversation. For the most part, it slips through conversation unnoticed. But when you put it on paper, its complete ridiculousness shines through. Think about it. Write it out yourself and tell me it doesn't look as fake as George Washington's teeth.

Nother.

It sounds like something out of a second rate fantasy novel: "Suddenly, Beoryin peered through his shimmering visor and descried the glacial gaze of a small, furry nother."

Clearly, nother works better as a made-up creature than a made-up word. Please folks, the next time you are tempted to use nother in written communication, do yourself a favor and use its more correct alternative: another. It's not that hard, really. All you have to do is add an "a." And don't make things worse by writing "a whole another." That's counterproductive. One might even say it makes a whole nother problem.

(See how stupid it looks?)