Now That My Ph.D. Application Is In, I Can Get Back to Saving the Galaxy...

That's right, folks. My Ph.D. application is in. What a lousy experience that was. Talk about a long process. But at least I got it done. It only took three weeks longer than I originally planned. The worst part of it, of course, was revising my essay on E. L. Doctorow's crappy novel The March. If any of you are planning on reading this book, don't bother. Why waste your time? There are much better Civil War novels out there.

The second worst part of this whole process was not being able to play Star Wars: Battlefront II, which I purchased the day before I started the application process. When I bought it, I told Sarah that I was only going to play it once, then I wanted her to take it away from me until I finished the application. Well, I played it once and put it away. I admit there have been several times over these past few weeks when I have begged Sarah to let me play the game. She stood her ground, and there was nothing I could do about it...until now. I am happy to say that I am back to saving a galaxy far, far away...

If any of you are planning on getting a Ph.D. in English, here is a list of 5 reasons why you should change your plans:

1. The application process.
2. The application process.
3. The application process.
4. The application process.
5. The application process.

No, I'm not considering a change in careers. Yes, I am asking you to pray for me. After all, I wouldn't want to be rejected and have (or "haff" as my students sometimes write it) to go through this process again.

Crap: A Tribute

Recently, I have been accused of overusing the word "crap." It's true. I use the word "crap" in conversation almost as much as the dentist uses toothpaste. I first learned the word in 1985, when I was in Kindergarten. My best friend at the time, a kid named Ricky, used it one day when he stepped in a mud puddle. I didn't know what it meant at the time, but I too stomped in the mud puddle and let the pseudo-expletive fly. Since then it has been a signature part of my vocabulary. I can proudly say that I have never had a cussing problem, but I readily admit that I have a crapping problem...wait a second...I mean...well, you get the idea.

Here are some reasons why I like the word crap:

1. Its wide grammatical range.

2. The sweet cacophony of it.

3. Its shock value in polite company.

4. Its wuss value in impolite company.

5. Its ability to make you feel PG-13 when you're really only PG.

6. It rhymes with trap and wrap.

7. The short "A" sound.

8. It's the only thing I've ever learned from a kid named Ricky.

9. It's like "cap" with an "r."

10. Some Kindergarteners pronounce it like "cwap."

Fun with the Family Scanner

As I was scanning some documents for my students I got an idea. Here is the best result:

Say it ain't so, World.

Now that American Idol is back on, I have to ask a question that has been gnawing on my soul since the end of last season: Are there really that many freakishly strange people in the world? I'm not talking about those who get on the show with some prepared gimmick (like the Princess-Leia- Gold-Bikini-on-a-Fat-Guy Gag). I'm talking about those folks who get on the show because they are absolutely clueless about their obvious lack of talent. I'm sure this phenomenon can be traced to parents or friends who are too nice to be honest with their ambitious (though talentless) loved ones. Or to malicious co-workers or pseudo-friends who think it is funny to con the naive into embarrassing themselves on national television.

American Idol, however, is a great American institution. Now that circus freak shows are disappearing from places like Coney Island, Americans need someplace to view the full range of human potential. American Idol satisfies our need for human oddities. Although, if you think about it, how many of us would look just as stupid on television? How many of us are the freak show? Sometimes I worry that the only difference between me and the weirdo on television is that the weirdo is on television.

I think I'm giving American Idol too much brain time. I'm going to post this and do something more productive.

My First Taste of Rejection

Well, I got my teacher/course evaluations back from my last quarter students. I've always had good feedback before, but this time around my students hated me. Well...hate might be a strong word...but I'm sure it is at least in the ball park. Here is a sampling of some of their comments about me. Enjoy.

"Was not a credible teacher. Had no credibility to be so tough."

"I think that Mr. Hales's grading was sometimes biased or unfair."

"If I would have turned my papers into another English teacher, I am sure I would have gotten a better grade."

"My friends helped me the most."

"He wasn't a very good teacher and didn't hold his leadership position very well."

"I really felt that the way he graded papers was a con to make the students believe they were becoming better writers."

"Sometimes he just talked about random things that weren't helpful." (I'll buy that one, by the way. It sounds a lot like me.)

"Only talked to one person."

"Terrible grader. Was not consistent."

"He tries to act like a tough guy." (Which was nice, because I've never been accused of acting like a "tough guy" before.)

"I did not enjoy this class only because of the professor and the way he grades. He does not compare in a positive way to what my peers say about their professors."

Well, that about sums it up. In my defense, though, I gave out more A's to this class than any other I've taught. I pushed all of them to write better and most of them did extremely well. However, I think I'll try to act less like a "tough guy" this quarter. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

Low-Tech Fiction

I've added to the bl*g a list of my favorite works of fiction. I've read and enjoyed a lot of books in my life, but very few of them would I want to read again. Take E. L. Doctorow's The March, for instance. I'm right now writing an essay on the novel for my Ph.D. application, but I will probably never read the novel again. I didn't really like it when I read it the first time. I don't really like it now that I'm going over it again. And I doubt I will ever like the book. That is why it has not made the list. Something like Flannery O'Connor's Wise Blood, on the other hand, will probably be on my favorites list for a while. I've read it a couple of times, and I still think it is one of the funniest books ever written.

Also, I should probably add that it's not my fault if you read one of these books and hate it. My tastes in literature are pretty odd, and very few people like the books I recommend. So, keep that in mind.

The Low-Tech World

Welcome to the Low-Tech World. I decided to start this blog because everyone else in the family has one. As usual, I didn't want to be left out. I'm still stinging from the time mom bought new blankets for everyone but me. Not that I'm bitter or anything, because I'm not. In fact, I'm probably the only one in the family who remembers the blanket incident. And it really wasn't that big of a deal. I'm just a born victim. It isn't easy being the family sandpaper.

The title of this blog comes from my imaginary motion picture company. Aside from that, it doesn't really mean anything. And this post is not really going anywhere, either. I'm basically typing to type. I don't want my blog to be naked.

Speaking of the word "blog," I think I'm going to outlaw it from my page. It is one of those dumb words that has sprung up from internet nerds and pop-culture columnists who think they are clever. I don't care if anyone uses it around me, but I'm not personally going to use it. Am I sounding overly critical? I guess if I didn't, I wouldn't be me.