A Poem

Here's a poem I wrote about six years ago about two friends of mine. I still think it is funny.

Romantic Interlude during a Hike and its Aftermath

The sickly boy and red-haired lass
Were resting ‘neath a tree’s dark shade
Beside a steep and winding path
That twisted upward to a glade.

“Fair lass,” said he that felt so ill,
“Methinks I’d like to kiss thee here
Beneath this tree that guards this hill—
‘twould make me smile ear to ear!”

“Oh silly boy,” the redhead cooed,
“I’d fain thy lusty heart inspire
With kisses as when thou first wooed
Me ere thy sickness stole thy fire…”

“But what?” asked he. “Oh, what can be?
Oh! Dost thou need a change of cast—
Or maybe just a break from me?
Please say, and I will take thy shaft!”

“My silly boy,” the redhead hummed,
“I’ll love thee till the day I die—
And swift that day will surely come
If osculation we now try.”

“Suits me my lusty, lovely miss,”
Declared the standing, sickly boy,
“I’ll risk thy death, for sure thy kiss
Will cure me—not thy life destroy.”

“Okay,” said she with scarlet hair,
“I’ll press my lips against thy two—
Although they seem a pallid pair.”
And so she did and got the flu.

Pork Rinds: Deep Fried Miss Piggy

On my twenty-eighth birthday, Sarah gave me a bag of pork rinds. This may seem like an odd gift...and I would have to agree with you. Who gets pork rinds for their birthday?

For that matter, who wants pork rinds for their birthday?

Well, I do. I love pork rinds. I have loved them ever since I first tried them on a Boy Scout camping trip in 1992. There are not too many scents I enjoy more than that first awful burst of fried piggishness you get when you open up a bag of the porcine delicacy.

Unfortunately, Sarah does not share in my appreciation of the pork rind. The very thought of eating one sends her into a fit of retching. So, you see, it is a big deal when she buys them for me. One could say it is her ultimate sacrifice.

I am only allowed to eat pork rinds twice a year. The first time is usually around the time of my birthday. The second time usually falls around August, during my half-birthday. This time around, however, I have found an ally in Connor. She tried her first pork rind yesterday and has since become hooked on them. Here is how Connor generally asks for one:

Connor: Daddy, can I have a pork rind?
Me: Not right now.
Connor: Please, daddy. I'll die if I don't have a pork rind.
Me: In a little bit.
Connor: Now, daddy! I need a pork rind now! If I can't have a shriveled piece of fried pig skin deliciousness I will die!
Me:Oh no! I couldn't live with myself if I let that happen!
Connor: Please, daddy.
Me: Okay. Here you go.
Connor: Thank you.

Incidentally, some of best pork rinds I ever ate were on my mission. Brazilian pork rinds are much better than American rinds, in many ways. Often they are home made and still have tufts of hair lodged in them. I tolerated the hair, usually. If I had to choose, though, I would pick the hairless variety. Something about the hair is a little disgusting...and it takes a lot to make a pork rind disgusting.

In honor of the noble rind, I am posting for a limited time my only film containing pork rinds. Their role in the film is my tribute to their greatness.

Incidentally, this film was made in Utah in August 2004, while Sarah was back in Cincinnati visiting her family. I had the apartment to myself...and a lot of time on my hands. It is part of a six episode series I wrote over the course of three years. Enjoy.

Nother: A Violence to the English Language

Over the past year I have graded several hundred freshman essays. While there is much that irritates me about freshman writing, nothing is worse than their love of the word "nother." Here is the word used in a sentence:

"The unfairness of the current minimum wage is a whole nother issue."

Chances are you have used this abomination yourself. It is fairly common in American conversation. I am sure a few of you have even used it more than once in a day. Admittedly, I have used it more than once in a day as well--but only in conversation. Nother, like the word crap, should only be used in conversation. Unlike crap, though, it should never be written--even in informal writing, like e-mails or post-it notes.

When you think about it, nother works fine in conversation. For the most part, it slips through conversation unnoticed. But when you put it on paper, its complete ridiculousness shines through. Think about it. Write it out yourself and tell me it doesn't look as fake as George Washington's teeth.

Nother.

It sounds like something out of a second rate fantasy novel: "Suddenly, Beoryin peered through his shimmering visor and descried the glacial gaze of a small, furry nother."

Clearly, nother works better as a made-up creature than a made-up word. Please folks, the next time you are tempted to use nother in written communication, do yourself a favor and use its more correct alternative: another. It's not that hard, really. All you have to do is add an "a." And don't make things worse by writing "a whole another." That's counterproductive. One might even say it makes a whole nother problem.

(See how stupid it looks?)